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Mom, get better already, damn it.

I don't know how to explain this properly, but I'll try anyway.

As things keep going wrong with mom, my ability to cope goes away. The thing is, it doesn't matter if I can cope or not. I have to. I can't change it. So it's like... falling, and hitting a floor. You take a deep breath, say to yourself, "This is as low as I can go. Okay. I can handle it."

And then the floor breaks, and you fall down to another one, and you say to yourself, "Okay, I can handle it...."

And after a while, it doesn't matter if you can handle it or not. You keep falling anyway, so you have to just get on with life as best you can.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
tokagemusume
May. 19th, 2006 12:22 pm (UTC)
*pets your hair*
You explained it perfectly, sweetie. I believe that for strong people, there's always another level of what we can handle; our toughness only improves; it won't fail us.
Doesn't make things any easier, to know that you can handle them and can rise to challenges. But, there's a sort of grim satisfaction in it.
When I was very young, the story of the Buddha didn't make that much sense to me. I understand it on a gut level now -- life IS suffering; luckily, it's a lot of other things, too.
I hope it all improves for you and your mum soon.
cranberrynomiko
May. 19th, 2006 08:35 pm (UTC)
*snuggles*
Yeah, I get this weird sort of comfort in knowing that I can tough it out -- I just need to be patient, and find a big pair of tweezers to take out the splinters I've gained from those stupid breaking floors. ^.^
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )