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First person 'ficlet thingy

Okay, I wasn't sure if I should post this, but Cran-chan and her "Wow!" ness convinced me... So, here is a little first person thingy I wrote a while ago. It's from Seriph's POV, about his life.

It is hard to explain what it feels like to dance. The movements, that is easy to understand, but the emotions that cross my mind are so complex I feel that no one can understand them, not even me.

First, there is the odd double sense of complete freedom and being trapped at the same time. Dancing, I have a sense that I can do anything, that I am in control. Even as I feel this, the thin bands of gold around my wrists and neck are reminding me that I am a possession, like a beautiful dancing doll. If only I was a doll, I would not feel so many things.

My audience is a weight pressing against all of me, they stare and stare like I was some god come to earth, too divine to look away from. I can feel their desire, every moment I stand in front of them. I have power over them in that small way, I know they want me, and while I dance I hold all of their attention. The truth is that they own me. I cannot dance when I want to or where I choose to. I am an exotic toy to be played with and then put away when it is time for business.

Anyone in the crowd, for a fee, could have me. I am not the lofty, untouchable deity I would like to pretend that I am. The reality is that I am much the same as an elaborate costume to be borrowed, bought or rented for a special occasion.

The music is one more thing out of my control. I am put in the middle of a huge circle of people and told to dance, with no choice of what song I would like. Even if I have never heard the song before, I have to find my way through it, always graceful and interesting. Sometimes all they give me is a beat, a rhythm for me to move with. The musicians will often try and trick me, changing the tempo quickly and expecting me to falter. This is one of the things I pride myself in, never being thrown off no matter what happens.

I am quite prideful for someone who has no control over their life. I have talked to other dancers, and most of them take pride only in dancing. I would laugh at them, but I doubt they would understand what I found so funny. I am proud of my appearance and my skill, of course, but I also am proud of my ability to think and manipulate people. I have control even when I lack all control. I have made myself too wanted to be easily tossed aside, even by the woman who owns me. She may see me as nothing but a possession, but I know I am her most valued possession by far.

My other pride is my ability to control my emotions. I will show only the emotion that people expect me to show, like a mirror to their expectations. If I have done well, I will seek praise and affection like a young dog, while inwardly laughing as everyone reacts exactly how I expect. They never even consider that I can fake anything, which is quite foolish of them. Do they actually think that all of my teasing and all the passion I show is real? That is why I am so important, I show everyone exactly what they want to see. I am always in control, even though the only thing I can control is myself.

Cran-chan's threatening me and ordering me to write more now. Could I get some non-violent feedback, please? ^.^;;


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 29th, 2003 12:14 pm (UTC)
hmmmm, non violent? I don't think that's possible. After reading that, I was like "DIE!". Uhmmm, i really like it. No real specifics on what parts, it's all really good.

there is one thing that kind of bothers me in it, and I don't know why. The begging on the music paragraph feels a little weak while reading it. I'm not sure why... maybe playing around with "The music is one more thing out of my control"'s wording a bit would help.
Jul. 30th, 2003 12:38 am (UTC)
Hey it's written very well. One thing I like about it which helps a paragraph along is you can read the first sentence and then the last of a paragraph and it sounds right, the stuff in between is just the meat so to speak. Which makes it more interesting, but cutting down to just the first and last sentance of each paragraph and the whole thing still makes sence.

But then again I'm not much of a writer so I can't say how much to take my opinion to heart.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )