It is hard to explain what it feels like to dance. The movements, that is easy to understand, but the emotions that cross my mind are so complex I feel that no one can understand them, not even me.
First, there is the odd double sense of complete freedom and being trapped at the same time. Dancing, I have a sense that I can do anything, that I am in control. Even as I feel this, the thin bands of gold around my wrists and neck are reminding me that I am a possession, like a beautiful dancing doll. If only I was a doll, I would not feel so many things.
My audience is a weight pressing against all of me, they stare and stare like I was some god come to earth, too divine to look away from. I can feel their desire, every moment I stand in front of them. I have power over them in that small way, I know they want me, and while I dance I hold all of their attention. The truth is that they own me. I cannot dance when I want to or where I choose to. I am an exotic toy to be played with and then put away when it is time for business.
Anyone in the crowd, for a fee, could have me. I am not the lofty, untouchable deity I would like to pretend that I am. The reality is that I am much the same as an elaborate costume to be borrowed, bought or rented for a special occasion.
The music is one more thing out of my control. I am put in the middle of a huge circle of people and told to dance, with no choice of what song I would like. Even if I have never heard the song before, I have to find my way through it, always graceful and interesting. Sometimes all they give me is a beat, a rhythm for me to move with. The musicians will often try and trick me, changing the tempo quickly and expecting me to falter. This is one of the things I pride myself in, never being thrown off no matter what happens.
I am quite prideful for someone who has no control over their life. I have talked to other dancers, and most of them take pride only in dancing. I would laugh at them, but I doubt they would understand what I found so funny. I am proud of my appearance and my skill, of course, but I also am proud of my ability to think and manipulate people. I have control even when I lack all control. I have made myself too wanted to be easily tossed aside, even by the woman who owns me. She may see me as nothing but a possession, but I know I am her most valued possession by far.
My other pride is my ability to control my emotions. I will show only the emotion that people expect me to show, like a mirror to their expectations. If I have done well, I will seek praise and affection like a young dog, while inwardly laughing as everyone reacts exactly how I expect. They never even consider that I can fake anything, which is quite foolish of them. Do they actually think that all of my teasing and all the passion I show is real? That is why I am so important, I show everyone exactly what they want to see. I am always in control, even though the only thing I can control is myself.
Cran-chan's threatening me and ordering me to write more now. Could I get some non-violent feedback, please? ^.^;;